Im Lying In Bed Again

Lost for thoughts, lost for the form of sleep too..
My room feels uncomfortable because i havent been here in so long, i dont like it.
Im tired but i cant sleep, i feel weirdly lonely because noone is in, and this is something that worries me, not the fact the noone is home, but the fact its beginning to affect me. I have a strange feeling that some form of a phobia is developing, a phobia of being alone?
As soon as i am i shut down, get bored, lonely, and somewhat depressive. I find myself trying to find things to keep myself active and kill time alone..
I realise this combined with my last few blogs portray me as a frighteningly morbid person..
Hmm, something to think about also.
I dont know where my life is going.
I dont know whether to re-start college, i dont know how to go about psychology without college or uni, i dont know if i want to do the latter, fuck i dont even know if i want the first. I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING.
This scares me. A lot.
Im 18 in under three weeks, and i have nothing to show for it.
AHHH.
I dont even feel like doing anything for my birthday :/
I dont know what i want.. I dont know how i want to spend it..
All i know is that il be at college.
Fuck.

What am i going to do?
My life has come to a standstill.
x

Yet Another

Im currently sat in my thinking spot listening to mumford and sons, thinking about everything.

I took a walk and ended up here, and i guess its lucky i had my laptop in my bag, because this place has helped me capture a lot of running thoughts.

Im going to upload this later, and i know it will be my third blog today but theres just so much on my mind, and no one i can share it with at the moment.

I feel i should describe the place for some reason, its a wooded area with a small stream running all the way through, the place im sat has up grown tree roots in a sort of minute bench shape, on opposing banks, there are a few logs in the stream and a rusty wheelbarrow. There is a large tree to my right, and directly ahead of me is my house.

The place itself was somewhere i used to come when i was younger to think about things.

I cant shake the feeling of sadness now, for some reason it makes me want to cry, and although ive thought about this i don’t seem to know how to anymore. Its been so long since i cried properly, im used to tucking things away and forgetting about them. They always come back with some deviant bite in the ass though.. My mind is essentially a derelict bomb site at the moment, things are scattered everywhere, nothing seems to fit together and its somewhere you wouldn’t want to be caught alone. The only thing i can describe is being alone in a city, with no one for miles. No matter how much you call there is no one to save you, nobody to talk to and no form of sanity. Unfortunately its too often im caught there, with no escape.

Im sat watching the ripples in the stream, a quiet beauty surrounds me and it always provokes so many dark thoughts. I worried myself as i found myself wondering who would care if i died. A small child just arrived in the same area on his bike, and i realised how strange i must look right now.. Alone, earphones in, quiet, and typing. I looked up at my window and just found my thoughts stray to imagine my own death, not the death itself but the consequences of it happening. Who would care? Would anyone miss me? I imagined myself as a spirit passed, wandering my house and watching home life without me. How would my family react? What would my social group do? And most of all how would my death affect everyone around me? These thoughts are so depressive, yet somehow satisfying in a weird way. Its scary how it happens, and that it doesn’t take much to trigger these when im alone.

There must be some really deep ridden emotion inside me which i haven’t allowed to arise from its stone in the ground. The childs dad just arrived, and theyre now talking, i can lightly hear them over the music, and theyre just about to leave.

I missed out on a father figure like that when i was younger, me and my dad never went out for child father bonding sessions, so ive never really had that close relationship. This was fully revoked as i was growing up, we just didn’t seem to get on. Hes moving soon, i think its today, but ive only heard from my brother and mum, not him. I think that makes me sad, kind of disappointed..? I really don’t know anymore. My emotions all seemed to get mixed in to one another, and i can never tell exactly how i feel, the only two emotions i seem to show are happiness and anger, if im not one im the other.

I hate this. Why is it so hard to just lead a ‘perfect’ life, and do what i need to for success? I seem to fuck up all i have, and when i get something ive wanted i sabotage it. {The perfect line came on just as i typed that: ‘I really fucked it up this time, didn’t i my dear?’}

I think im going to stop typing now, it must be strange to look at this blog and picture ‘aiden’ as purely depressive, because all my in depth blogs are my worst thoughts. But who am i? To be honest, i don’t know myself, i still seem to be finding out so much about myself i really don’t know.

I may implore in to other methods of writing, maybe something not so public.

Im sorry to have landed this on anyone who may be reading.

x

Saboteur.

So now im in an even worse mood, its been like half an hour since i posted that massive blog, and now everything has gone to shit again in my head.
Just when i didnt need it an argument arose, im now sat on my own, and i feel more resent for myself than i did in the first place.
It really hasnt helped.
I think things are going great in one aspect, i worry that im beginning to feel dependent, i know i am but i fight the urge to accept it, because i dont want to feel like that again. Ive fought the urge to say the forbidden word a couple of times now, its just popped to mind and i wont have it.
Now i feel like shit. Im going to have a shower, get my stuff, go home and chill out until i have my hair cut.
Hopefully something new might change my mood. Saying that i doubt it, il probably end up feeling worse about myself and missing my hair in the first instance.
I just seem to fuck up everything good i have, or reject anything i feel and want to say.
Im heading down, im ruining myself and everything around me, and im becoming the saboteur of my own life. I dont remember where i heard this before, but it was said that in relationships and 'love' we only sabotage ourselves and the things around us, and never accept the beauty of it all, where we want to be and who with etc.
I wish i could remember.
x

Failure

So everything was going great in life, and nothing seemed up, i was positive about where i was going, i had no worries in my 'love life', home life was also good, and i hadnt thought about college or my results..

Yesterday i got them back, i failed everything :/
I officially fucked up my a levels, i got one c, which brought down my philosophy to an overall c, something i didnt want to happen.. The rest of my results were e's, and one u.
Bad bad times.
I was mega depressed yesterday, and i cant seem to shake the feeling of failure in myself, i had pep talks from kaeli, her mum, and also my own, but it just doesnt seem to shake the fact that ive failed myself..?
I hate losing at things, i hate disappointing myself and i hate knowing that i now have to consider new career paths.

I guess the good thing about it is that i now have a clearer mind, im not focusing on one thing as much, and i kind of have a different perspective on it all.
Im going to drop sport, drop classics, follow up with philosophy and psychology, and take art.
I think if i only have three a levels to focus on i can spend more time worrying about them and not so much it all.

Part of my mums pep talk was telling me that i can do anything i want to, and if i show drive and motivation i dont need some piece of paper saying im good at something.
This leads me on to my next point, once im done with my second year of college i intend to look in to becoming a trainee psychologist, learn it from experience, its something i really want, and i think if i show myself to want it enough i might be able to do it.
The main thing i have to do is not give up on myself, but after a shock like that it just seems so hard not to.
Introspectively ive been destroyed, but im trying not to let it show on the outside, because i dont want to be weak. :/

I also was told that my past year has been full of ups and downs, and that its bound to have affected me, i dont want to admit to this though, because i cant give myself any excuses for failing like that, i need to learn from it and take that lesson to the next level when i try to get this trainee career.
It could mean moving away from home, but i guess thats something il have to sacrifice for the good of my life?
I dont know how i feel about that to be honest, it could sway either way, the problem being ive made so many sufficient relationships i dont want to lose them.
Another thing i discovered, is that the possiblity of my mum and dad being mediated on my birthday is high.
I should further explain, last year i split up with someone i was really close to around the time of my birthday, about a week later my parents decided my dad was moving out. I didnt let it affect me because i was so used to the arguing i didnt seem to care anymore, but i did begin to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I then found it hard to hold close relationships until now, and i still find it hard to open up. Needless to say my birthday that year wasnt great, and this year it appears a similar thing may happen. My parents are about to finalise the split, and have a meeting the exact day of my birthday. Oh joy.

I find myself becoming slightly senile towards birthdays now. My brother had his yesterday, he didnt seem overly enthused about his presents, as i didnt know what to get him, after having my results, feeling depressed already and then seeing him so unimpressed i felt utterly awful, and kind of disgraced in myself for leaving it so late to get his presents.
I think i need to prioritise more and be prepared for things like this.
He had to work on his birthday, and then had an argument with his girlfriend. This mustve been shit for him.

I really dont know anymore, im finding myself losing patience with myself, and sometimes others when i really shouldnt, i dont want to hit another depressive state like i have over the past year or two, so im trying my hardest just to push my feelings aside and be positive for whats to come, im young, healthy(?), and i have so many options..

Or do i?
x

Im Running Out Of Titles..

I dont like the way a good mood can change all of a sudden, and become awkward, concerning and essentially pathetic.
Today was a good day, ive been feeling quite happy the past week and im glad i know who i do, spend time with the ones i choose etc etc.
I guess i should start at square one really..?

I had a barbecue at my house last saturday, i was already feeling good in anticipation and over the day my mood started (this is taking ages cos im casually watching a film, getting distracted and losing my chain of thoughts.. Haha) to increase along with my appreciation for my friends.
Nowadays i tend to only spend time with the people that i really know im going to enjoy it with, and i can say with all certainty i did that saturday. There was a pretty small group of us, and although i know some of the people are used to going to bigger more lively parties, i kind of hoped this wouldnt be too bad. It turned out quite nicely, and i had a few really good chats with them all.
The thing i love about these girls in particular, is that theyre so genuine its almost unreal. I always knew they were lovely people, but i think the night really renewed this thought in me.
Aswell as them, i had a few of the best lads round, and altogether i had a pretty nice night.

So with that, and a few other things over the past few days, my mood elevated and ive just been much happier. A few rocks in the path swayed it, but in general its been awesome.
I guess the thing that really pissed me off today, was the fact i asked my dad to come round and help me with my bike. Long story short, my mum made it proper awkward for him, he left sharpish, she then also tried to have a dig at me for not telling her he was coming, and is going to 'talk to me about it later'.
Fuck it man. Fuck her.
The worst thing about that all, was i expected today to be unusual, concerning and potentially mind-blowing. It turned out to be the opposite, i ended up relaxed, inspired and most of all comforted in myself, and certain others.
I randomly decided to sit on a bench in a park in totton at one point, failing that i got bored and felt the need to lie down. During this i had a few weird looks, and a small group of chavs were looking at me. One looked around 10, and they were all smoking. This kind of disturbed me, id be a hypocrite if i said smoking was bad and all that, but he was so so so young. TOO young. How was he even exposed to something like that at such an age?!
After lying there for a while i sat up, rolled up and began smoking. I noticed them moving their mouths, and looking in my direction so i took out my earphones, said sorry and asked what they said.
Turns out the tiny one was apologising for his language, and i said i couldnt hear it. I was then asked if i was ok, to which i responded 'yehh im just killing time', they asked how old i was, i said, they said i looked about 20, at which i smiled, said no and timingly got a phone call.
The point of all that being, the age and stuff doesnt matter, neither does the fact i was lying on a bench. What got to me was that a child that young, someones offspring has been exposed to bad habits, (hypocritical i know),  and is using one of the dirtiest mouths ive heard. I also heard some kids swearing awfully in the changing rooms at the gym the other day.
-Anyway, what i intended to say, was that my faith in the growth and raising abilities of children has significantly faltered, the kid knew he shouldnt be doing it, yet he seemed to consider it fine anyway? The thought was a strange one to bare close, and its been on my mind a lot.
Im done babbling, because i dont want to go in to that too much and end up opening a preposterously over dynamic bag of worms.
Chao.
x 

An Update

Ok, so i gave up on giving up smoking the day after i started.. Fail on my behalf, i was quite annoyed at myself but i guess if i didnt want to then it wasnt going to happen.
Maybe i should just wait for the right time?
Im currently sat here listening to bombay bicycle clubs latest album, which i really do like, its individual, and abnormal from their first.
Ive also decided that im going to keep a journal of my effort in the gym, for example the weight im lifting, when i 'up' it, my weight and possibly measurements, purely so i can feel the efforts myself.
I also want to be putting on at least a lb every two weeks, which could be interesting..

Im generally happy at the moment, nothing seems to be going overly bad, and im just enjoying what i have.
Tomorrow i intend to have a little barbecue thing, which ive asked the girls from christchurch way to come down, i dont think we see them enough, and theyre an amazing bunch if im honest, i just seemed to click with them all as soon as i got to know them.
It should be nice,
But anyway, im now off to get a shower, and gym it up (:
Fareweeellllllll
x