Its that subtle way, that you throw me down

I am inches above the dust on the ground.
Always quiet, always quiet now.
Always silent, always silent now.

Yesterday was such a good day, i dont think ive enjoyed myself/laughed so much in a long time. I miss having times like that, and i intend to make them more frequent.
It was just one of the most laugh-packed and random sequenced event i remember.. Couldnt be beaten for a sunday :)
The worst thing is that its been thoroughly ruined by today, i was in a good mood, decided to text my dad and see if he wanted to do dinner tonight to catch up.. Not even a reply. Charming.
Ive been really bored, theres nothing to do in this shitty area, and i cant get anywhere. I cant wait for the day i ACTUALLY pass my test..
College tomorrow, and to say the least im not feeling it, ive finished my a4 final design for art, now i have to do the a1 piece itself, and then fuck loads of other work.
Procrastination is an improbable avoidance for me, and that, is an understatement.
Maaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
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The resolution

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
But I think I'm letting go
Find my body
It's still burning

And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah, I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution



This song is amazing. It really is, the title itself explains something for me. The song itself implies someone, whereas my problem seems to be metaphysical, or even myself.
I seem to always have something stopping me take what I want. I was in an amazing mood today, I guess I shouldve expected it to become an introspective reflection anyway, but it amazes me how this can happen so suddenly with me. I spent most of my day sitting listening to music quietly on my own which I suppose influenced it. However, back to the point, I don't want to be here long, but if you should want to enquire about this song, answer your own question: jack mannequin - the resolution.
Type it in YouTube and listen to it carefully :)
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Change.

One thing I have noticed over the past few weeks (Easter mainly), is that you can never count on something to stay the same. Even the things that you least expect can come back and spit in your face.
I have also noticed that I'm not the only person in the world that spirals down until they hit the floor, and doesn't feel that they can seek help. One thing I do profess to anyone that may read this: if you care about someone, and you see them dropping, be there to help them, give them a leg to stand on until they can be supported on their own two feet.
If you want to expect a good friendship, make sure you help those you care about, make sure you can be there for them, make sure you treat others how you expect to be treated.
And if you do all this, you have every reason to be annoyed when they spit it back in your fucking face!
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New home. New surroundings. New me.

^that, everyone, is a lie.
I feel no different, just slightly out of reach and at a lack of communication from everything I took for granted. It's not as easy to avoid taking things for granted as it may seem.. Don't find out the hard way. I guess the thing about epiphanies is that you either take heed or carry on plotting the same way you always do..
This is something that would seem to occur on a regular basis for me.. However, I would love to say firmly, 'not anymore!' at this stage, I myself know this would be another complete falsity.
Wel see how things go, eh?
One day at a time.
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Shake me down

Shake me down, not a lot of people left around, who knows now, softly laying on the ground, not a lot of people left around. In my life, I've seen, people walk in to the sea, just to find memories, plagued by constant misery, their eyes cast down, fixed upon the ground, their eyes cast down, I keep my eyes fixed on the sun.

I fucking wish life was easy, I wish people wouldn't interfere, I wish I didn't feel guilt, misery, sadness, heartache, pain, worry, care, confusion, insecurity.
Why is it in our creation and evolution as beings we never managed to adapt to extinguish emotion? Why does everything have to be so hard because of this? Why is it always the hurdle I fall over at the end of the race?
I'm fed up of letting people down, I may swell remove myself from the circle of socialism. I hate having to hurt people I'm close to, from this point on I think il become obstinate from the female gender.. Like that's going to happen..
Fucking mind.
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I'm a realist, I'm a romantic. I'm an indecisive piece of shit.

Its been so long since I actually posted on here, I guess I didn't need it anymore..
I'm just in a reminiscent mood at the moment. I hate hurting people, and today I realised once again just how much. Ugh.
It's the beginning of another big change for me. Wel see what happens.

I've also rediscovered my love for the cribs.
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Oh Dear.

So as soon as i let myself feel and become dependent theres always something there to kick me back down and make me want to shy away again.
I cant say what it is on here, she wasnt with me, it doesnt really count, but it still hurt.
It really did. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness every time i think about it, and the fact i cant understand properly why she did it i cant shake this. The explanations just dont seem to cover it in my mind, they dont register.

Im just so upset by it all, i feel stupid for being so sad about it, im not one to feel sadness, i like pushing all my worries down and burning them in the pit of my stomach. This just wont take though, even if i covered it in a bottle of white spirit, its ashes couldnt disperse and blow away.
Its now at the point where she thinks id be better off without her.. I know i wouldnt be.
At least, it definitely doesnt feel like it right now.

Im 18 in two days, and i really couldnt give a fuck. My parents are being shit about it, theyre not even talking, and this doesnt help me right now.
I just dont seem to know where im at again. I want to shut down, close myself off, and sabotage my own life once again. I know i cant do this.

Why does something so insignificant hurt so much? The excuses ive heard are fair, but no matter how many times i hear them i still feel awful. I then feel even worse for feeling like this, because its stupid, and i shouldnt.
Ughhh. This time of year, the few weeks around my birthday, the period of time about it, have been shit for as long as i can remember.
Maybe im being smited by mr almighty..? Maybe im just never meant to stay happy..
:/
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