Life

In general, its been pretty decent this past week.
We just entered a team in a 5 a side league, played two hard teams, drew against one and beat the top of the league team 6-3. Its fun to play football again, and enjoy it. Playing with mates and just having a good laugh, aswell as getting the satisfaction of playing well and being complimented. (:
Sweating is the least fun bit though..
Im loving the gym too, the other day i was walking home, and i lost the top i was wearing :L
It was a black vest, and i miss it :(
Haha, its pay day today though so i can buy more :D
Last night after football i met up with kaeli, and we walked for a bit, sat down and talked for ages.
It was really nice, and we just seemed to kill about 2 hours sat on a path chatting. There was never a moment we had nothing to say, and i enjoy conversations like that.
At one point a fox just casually strolled past about 20 metres away, didnt even seem to care we were there, it was really strange..
Im currently waiting to go to college, and it feels good to have slept in for once.
Thats all really, i have nothing amazing to talk about..
Although....
ITS PAYDAY TODAY AND THAT MEANS I CAN HAVE MY TATTOO DONE WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK OR TWO :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Excited much? Yes. :')
x

I Fucking Love Winding People Up..

bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 oh hi :L
ɐıpǝu. says:
 hi?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 yes, hi
ɐıpǝu. says:
 do i know you?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 nope
ɐıpǝu. says:
 fair enough
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 
 are you tlkin to charlie?
ɐıpǝu. says:
 talking*
 but currently yes
 why?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 oh fuck off.
 just wondered if she is alrite
ɐıpǝu. says:
 calm down babes, whats with the swearing?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 im not your babes
ɐıpǝu. says:
 i thought you were?...
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 who are you?
 LOL
ɐıpǝu. says:
 damnn, i thought we were friends man
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 why?
 you blatently tried to steal charlie off me ages aho
ɐıpǝu. says:
 hahahaahaha
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 ago
ɐıpǝu. says:
 did i now
 ?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 ye
ɐıpǝu. says:
 yes? was that?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 your a funny prick
ɐıpǝu. says:
 il take that as a compliment, mean things make me cry..
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 cry?
 LOL
ɐıpǝu. says:
 yehh, i weep in a ball in the dark, naked, and covered in vaseline
 its my happy place
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 your a fucking weirdo dont see what charlie saw in you to be faor
ɐıpǝu. says:
 awhh, im sorry you guys have different views
 i thought we couldve made it work..
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 who you and charlie?
 nahh she stll loves me
ɐıpǝu. says:
 no i meant you and me
 aww, im glad for you
 
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 im not gay.
ɐıpǝu. says:
 really?!
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 yh really
ɐıpǝu. says:
 oh, what a shame.
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 what the fuck
 mate, your a freak
ɐıpǝu. says:
 now what did we say about mean things?
 and i believe you mean you're* ?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 na i mean your!
ɐıpǝu. says:
 ah, well i think thats a bit of bad grammar on your behalf my friend
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 i aint your friend
ɐıpǝu. says:
 am not*? was that?
 why did you call me mate then?
 dont lead me on like this!
 youre tearing me apart!
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 hahahaha
ɐıpǝu. says:
 i dont like you laughing at my broken heart
 makes me hollow inside
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 im talking to charlie. go away
ɐıpǝu. says:
 ohh babe, dont be like this
 i miss you already
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 stop beign such a twat your trying to wind me up, ive warned charlie about you
ɐıpǝu. says:
 HA, warned her?
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 yes
ɐıpǝu. says:
 learn to spell aswell my friend
bartlett1@live.co.uk says:
 paaaaaa
ɐıpǝu. said (17:39):
 im sorry you think that, i wanted to be friends..



He blocked me.. :(
HAHAHAHA

Those Days Are Gone, Theyre Just Memories..

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now..

I wish when you made a wish it would come true, i have one id really love to come true right now, and it just keeps pressing.
I hate wanting something this badly.

I think the sun generally puts me in a great mood..
I had work today, left feeling like utter shit, went straight to the gym, listened to my ipod on the way home with a carton of milk, and a fag, and i was on top of the world again.
Its weird.
I genuinely cannot WAIT for the summer man :/

I think my whole epiphany about taking chances is going to fail either way, i know im not straight out enough to do that. (:
Ahh. I guess if something is going to work out in my life it will?
x

Right.

I was about to write a blog saying about what a good mood i was in, and how small gestures, and nice comments really make a difference to how you feel, and seem to accomplish the efforts you make.
However, i just got an email telling me i didnt get a job i really wouldve liked. Which means im still stuck in my shitty place of work. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Fuck it.


I heard an amazing quote today in philosophy, from the Meditations of Descartes.
"I shall apply myself seriously and freely to the general destruction of all my former opinions."
I think i might do this, erase all i have developed in the way of opinions, ignore all i once based my ideas on of people, and start again.
Maybe its time to start taking chances and putting myself out there?
I say this, and im pretty sure i have done before, but i never actually do it.. Im too scared of losing things, and i dont mean that in a materialistic sense, but i guess you can assume what i mean.
Meh, i dont know what to go on about now, but i guess im just pondering.
I really am going to try and follow that idea though, ive realised over the past year, that stereotypes i used to make are irrational, and some of the people i wouldve used to stereotype are infact some of the better in my life now.
That is a fact my readers (haha, that sounds so formal)
Anyway, im determined not to let the mood drop, ive been in a relatively good mood, and it would be silly to let it fall.
Lads round for the football later, few beers, should be an alright night.
Bye for now.
x

TATTOO

I HAVE THE DESIGN, IVE HAD THE TEST SCRATCH (its not as bad as its made out to be..), AND I CANT FUCKING WAIT.
He said to call him when i want to go through with it, and as soon as i have the money i will :')
IM SO FUCKING EXCITED MAN.


Im on top of the world baby!
Well, kind of.. :)
x

Thought

I often come up with weird sayings in my head..

A broken heart repairs itself, but only in anticipation of its next destruction, one that is inevitable.

It sounds stupid, and soppy, and really quite unlikely to come from a guy. Haha.
The irony is that if you think about it, its true.
Ugh.
x

Confusion

I really dont know what to think, when an idea comes to mind and seems like the right one i always seem to lose faith in it.

I think i might just discard what ive been thinking and avoid it manifesting and failing.

The sun was out again today, i had a job interview, which went ok, and i went to the gym.

It feels so good to be back in the gym properly, re-driving to the body i want and chances of it actually becoming how i wish rising.

Its a good feeling, i cant lie. Its so good at reducing stress aswell.

Im enjoying life at the moment, on the most part, but i wish things were simple.

I wish people were simple. I dont know why people even say that? Because it never happens.

Ah well (:

Dinner time

x

Beautiful Even At Her Worst.

Ironically, that only makes things worse.
Admiring everything, the talking, the moving. Aha, at least its gone unnoticed :)
That would be awkward..
I dont know what i hate more, the worry of losing something by taking the risk for more, or the thought of wondering what might happen in a good result.
Fact is id rather not lose what i have.

As you may guess ive been up ages again, because ive been sat awake thinking over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. UGH. Ive convinced myself that its not worth saying anything, and im pretty sure im right in thinking this, but i cant help but wonder.

ANYWAY, IOW was fucking AMAZING.
The social, spending time with people and talking, getting to know those you do better, getting to know those you dont a bit more. The music, some absolutely fucking awesome set lists, the drinking.
OH. MY. GOD. I genuinely had one of, if not THE best time of my life there..
I really do miss it now though :(
The reason im doing this is in an attempt to get some of this shit thats keeping me pissed off and awake out of my mind.
Theres no real structure to what im saying because im so tired.
AHHHH. I also probably shouldnt have said half the stuff i have. But its the only way to get it out. :|
Im going to have a fag, and call out round two with my mother fucking bed.
x

IM OFFICIALLY OUT OF DEBT!

Ok, so my mum paid off my brother from my savings account for me, my dad told me to keep the money i owed him, and so did my mum.
Does it get much better?! YES!
Yes it does. I have another job interview on the 16th, its IOW tomorrow, which resembles the beginning of summer, end of exams and a fucking good weekend.
Its going to be a beaut my friends.
YESSSS BOYSSSS. Im well excited :D
Loving two songs at the moment, proper feel good mood:
1) Ke$ha - Your love is my drug
2) Keri Hilson - I like
(also, the i like one has NOTHING whatsoever to do with keri hilson being fucking sexy..)
Hahahaa.
x

It Would Appear That Sleep Has Beaten Me Again

I dont know what it is if im honest, but lately every time i go to bed, i consider my entire life, its good points and, also, what seem to be unmatchable bad points.
Yet now im up, once again smoking my life away in the conservatory, i feel extremely tired, and kind of annoyed at the existence of my sleep pattern? Im annoyed at something non-material, which is kind of strange if you think about it.
The worst thing being, its always when i intend to sleep well i never do, i want to be up tomorrow morning so i can go over town, do my shit and come back home.
The rain is always so soothing normally, i remember times in my childhood, when id be upset and feeling lonely, id be lying in bed, and my only real comfort would be the soft sound of rain hitting my window, and i would listen to it, the slight difference in noise of each drop. Somehow it managed to settle my mind and help me drift my thoughts off down a stream and in to a deep sleep. I always have my best dreams when i dose off like that..
When i think of that i always imagine a picture along the lines of this:

Theres something kind of depressing about the rain, yet also distant ideas of happiness in the back of my mind involving it.
Of many strange/romantic/scenic events i want to experience, one is to kiss someone, or spend that moment with someone in the rain, on a beach or on a hill, and to actually enjoy it. Not to dwell on the dull lighting, the fact that id be soaked through, but to recognise the beauty of the surroundings, the way it fell and the individuality of it all.
I think if that ever came around i could find some satisfaction from the bad weather in itself, and be able to retain a happy memory from it...
The problem i find with most of these dreams and thoughts, is no matter how hard i wish for them, and consider the person id like to spend that moment with, the chances of it coming around really are slim.
Im afraid life just doesnt work like that.
To be honest, im afraid life just doesnt work how you want it to at all.
Its too often i find myself saying this now, and i really hate the feeling inside myself that brings it through.
I feel like im giving up on what i never thought i would.
I feel like im giving up on life itself.
I dont want to be that person, i want to see the world, i want to make something of myself, i want to live in wealth, have the money, the amazing house, the nice car, nice family.
But its all too distant.
I feel like im lost, the only way i can describe it is being on a raft in a never ending ocean with sharks circling me for eternity.
The raft has no sail, so i have no control. I cannot escape because every move i make ends in a bad way. There is no hope of drifting back to where i want to be, and quite frankly i wouldnt even know how if i had the chance.
It sucks.
x

I Guess The World Isn't Quite Over?

Over the past couple of days ive calmed down a bit i guess?
Im still at a dilemma, and i dont really know where im at, but a long chat the other night really seemed to help?
I guess its the small gestures that mean the most sometimes, and you can always tell how great a person is when theyre there and willing to listen to what you have to say, whether it be small or big in quantity.
It was nice.
After that and receiving two quite large compliments yesterday, i kind of decided there is something to go on?
I may have no idea what i want to do, where i want to go, or how i want to live my life; but im pretty sure on the fact that there are decent people out there.
I dont really know what to say, ive had everything draining on my mind over the past two nights, and its been murder on my desires and plans for the future.
I barely slept the night of my last blog, and the same night of the chat. I was knackered, but i just couldnt seem to shake my thoughts and drop to sleep. I lay there for hours considering everything in past, present and future, with no idea what to make of it all.
I found myself wondering how i became who i am, who i will become and yet how i come across to other people..
I think the worst thing for me is never knowing what other people think of me, because there are so many sly comments made about other people i never know what to trust and what to not.
Im still mega tired today, and found myself losing patience with a 'friend'. The problem is, i hate being smothered, i hate having little comments made about me not replying to a text, or not replying to a text 'properly' and it pisses me off. Long story short, i lost my patience and told her where to stick it.
Ugh, shes not my girlfriend, but she acts like a fucking overbearing stalker.
Fuck. Off.
I dont see where that fits in to my blog, but the whole point of this is to put whats on your mind.
Why cant life be simple?
Why cant i just have success where i want it?
Why cant the world be truthful with its opinion of me, and not worry about how il take it?

Theyre the three main questions that keep rallying back and forth in my mind. I wish i could control the factors involved in them. It would help.

Now, im off to kill a fucking fly thats been buzzing round for the past 5/10 minutes.
x

...And just as i say that the cunt flies out..
...And just as i sat that he came back in..
...Long story short, i followed it round my house, he flew in to my bathroom so i shut the door and started swinging my slippers until i hit the fucker.
He deaaaaaddddd. :')
AND NOW ANOTHER ONE COMES IN!!!
What is this?!?!
FUCK OFFFF.
Got the fly killer spray out, he can die slowly. Twat.

Hmm.

My life is at another interesting bend..
Im finding myself sat at home on my own thinking a lot.
I dont know what i want to do anymore :/
I was so set on my plans that i didnt think about the variance that may have to occur..
I dont think i can go to uni anymore either, what with uni caps being removed and all i dont think i can put the pressure of the payment on my parents, especially with the divorce, or yet the debt on myself.
I think i want to travel and see the world more, but i have no idea how i could even make that possible.
Im having thoughts of leaving here, going somewhere far away and making ends meat in a different country, im at that sort of dilemma in my life. :/
I miss the days of having phone calls, close friends to sit on the phone with, and invite round for a long talk, and midnight walks around the empty streets.
I wish i could gain that back, but in the current situation im in i cant see it.
I dont really have anyone im that close to anymore, i see the good friendships all around me, and yehh i do have some, but not as i used to.
I dont have anyone i tell everything to, at least not on a constant basis.
I think theres one person i trust fully with all i know.
Im feeling myself growing seperate from everyone i know, including my family, and i wont lie, its scary.
I have the need to escape far away, i just feel shut off completely and i dont have anyone to reassure me that its all ok, and convince me im ok with the life i have.
Its a shame.
Dont get me wrong, i dont want to be the needy friend who dumps their troubles on someone, but i just feel id be so much more productive in my outlook on life if i had someone to discuss the world with, to exert my ideas to every once in a while.
The world is a lonely place when you have noone, and the prospect of happiness shining around you doesnt help. I only ever get the feeling of need with a relationship, but it becomes complicated after a while and i push myself away from them as i get more dependent.
This is why i dont want to jump in to anything again. My best relationship started from being amazing friends, and something grew. I dont know, i have no outlines that even come close to that anymore, and yesterday i just found myself missing it. Missing them. Ugh.
I hate being like this!
It depresses me hearing how depressive i sound.
Im going to find my way soon enough, i hope i find that person to converse with aswell.
That will help me set a goal for my life i think, maybe ive just given up on the connection of it all.
Im sorry to land this on any readers, i really am.
But as the title says, "poke around in a complicated mind", i really am fucked in the head.
x