It Would Appear That Sleep Has Beaten Me Again

I dont know what it is if im honest, but lately every time i go to bed, i consider my entire life, its good points and, also, what seem to be unmatchable bad points.
Yet now im up, once again smoking my life away in the conservatory, i feel extremely tired, and kind of annoyed at the existence of my sleep pattern? Im annoyed at something non-material, which is kind of strange if you think about it.
The worst thing being, its always when i intend to sleep well i never do, i want to be up tomorrow morning so i can go over town, do my shit and come back home.
The rain is always so soothing normally, i remember times in my childhood, when id be upset and feeling lonely, id be lying in bed, and my only real comfort would be the soft sound of rain hitting my window, and i would listen to it, the slight difference in noise of each drop. Somehow it managed to settle my mind and help me drift my thoughts off down a stream and in to a deep sleep. I always have my best dreams when i dose off like that..
When i think of that i always imagine a picture along the lines of this:

Theres something kind of depressing about the rain, yet also distant ideas of happiness in the back of my mind involving it.
Of many strange/romantic/scenic events i want to experience, one is to kiss someone, or spend that moment with someone in the rain, on a beach or on a hill, and to actually enjoy it. Not to dwell on the dull lighting, the fact that id be soaked through, but to recognise the beauty of the surroundings, the way it fell and the individuality of it all.
I think if that ever came around i could find some satisfaction from the bad weather in itself, and be able to retain a happy memory from it...
The problem i find with most of these dreams and thoughts, is no matter how hard i wish for them, and consider the person id like to spend that moment with, the chances of it coming around really are slim.
Im afraid life just doesnt work like that.
To be honest, im afraid life just doesnt work how you want it to at all.
Its too often i find myself saying this now, and i really hate the feeling inside myself that brings it through.
I feel like im giving up on what i never thought i would.
I feel like im giving up on life itself.
I dont want to be that person, i want to see the world, i want to make something of myself, i want to live in wealth, have the money, the amazing house, the nice car, nice family.
But its all too distant.
I feel like im lost, the only way i can describe it is being on a raft in a never ending ocean with sharks circling me for eternity.
The raft has no sail, so i have no control. I cannot escape because every move i make ends in a bad way. There is no hope of drifting back to where i want to be, and quite frankly i wouldnt even know how if i had the chance.
It sucks.
x