Hmm.

My life is at another interesting bend..
Im finding myself sat at home on my own thinking a lot.
I dont know what i want to do anymore :/
I was so set on my plans that i didnt think about the variance that may have to occur..
I dont think i can go to uni anymore either, what with uni caps being removed and all i dont think i can put the pressure of the payment on my parents, especially with the divorce, or yet the debt on myself.
I think i want to travel and see the world more, but i have no idea how i could even make that possible.
Im having thoughts of leaving here, going somewhere far away and making ends meat in a different country, im at that sort of dilemma in my life. :/
I miss the days of having phone calls, close friends to sit on the phone with, and invite round for a long talk, and midnight walks around the empty streets.
I wish i could gain that back, but in the current situation im in i cant see it.
I dont really have anyone im that close to anymore, i see the good friendships all around me, and yehh i do have some, but not as i used to.
I dont have anyone i tell everything to, at least not on a constant basis.
I think theres one person i trust fully with all i know.
Im feeling myself growing seperate from everyone i know, including my family, and i wont lie, its scary.
I have the need to escape far away, i just feel shut off completely and i dont have anyone to reassure me that its all ok, and convince me im ok with the life i have.
Its a shame.
Dont get me wrong, i dont want to be the needy friend who dumps their troubles on someone, but i just feel id be so much more productive in my outlook on life if i had someone to discuss the world with, to exert my ideas to every once in a while.
The world is a lonely place when you have noone, and the prospect of happiness shining around you doesnt help. I only ever get the feeling of need with a relationship, but it becomes complicated after a while and i push myself away from them as i get more dependent.
This is why i dont want to jump in to anything again. My best relationship started from being amazing friends, and something grew. I dont know, i have no outlines that even come close to that anymore, and yesterday i just found myself missing it. Missing them. Ugh.
I hate being like this!
It depresses me hearing how depressive i sound.
Im going to find my way soon enough, i hope i find that person to converse with aswell.
That will help me set a goal for my life i think, maybe ive just given up on the connection of it all.
Im sorry to land this on any readers, i really am.
But as the title says, "poke around in a complicated mind", i really am fucked in the head.
x