Oh Dear.

So as soon as i let myself feel and become dependent theres always something there to kick me back down and make me want to shy away again.
I cant say what it is on here, she wasnt with me, it doesnt really count, but it still hurt.
It really did. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness every time i think about it, and the fact i cant understand properly why she did it i cant shake this. The explanations just dont seem to cover it in my mind, they dont register.

Im just so upset by it all, i feel stupid for being so sad about it, im not one to feel sadness, i like pushing all my worries down and burning them in the pit of my stomach. This just wont take though, even if i covered it in a bottle of white spirit, its ashes couldnt disperse and blow away.
Its now at the point where she thinks id be better off without her.. I know i wouldnt be.
At least, it definitely doesnt feel like it right now.

Im 18 in two days, and i really couldnt give a fuck. My parents are being shit about it, theyre not even talking, and this doesnt help me right now.
I just dont seem to know where im at again. I want to shut down, close myself off, and sabotage my own life once again. I know i cant do this.

Why does something so insignificant hurt so much? The excuses ive heard are fair, but no matter how many times i hear them i still feel awful. I then feel even worse for feeling like this, because its stupid, and i shouldnt.
Ughhh. This time of year, the few weeks around my birthday, the period of time about it, have been shit for as long as i can remember.
Maybe im being smited by mr almighty..? Maybe im just never meant to stay happy..
:/
x

AHHHHHHHHHH

Ok, so i know its been time, but i really do have something to write about now!
Its not depressive, and i feel amazing right now!

Just when you think things are slipping away, a lifeline somehow appears to save you from drowning in yourself.
I love it when this happens, it never normally does to me.
I get to the point where i think ive fucked everything up, and my thoughts are revived from their rotting ashes.

Today i had my first driving lesson, i didnt stall once, i went on forest roads, through three villages and across two busy roundabouts. It was AWESOME. I felt so comfortable! The best thing about it was at the end, my instructor told me she was really impressed, and that i was quite a natural, and that i dealt with some of the situations really well.
This made me really excited, as i was so nervous at the start. She just dropped me right in to the thick of it..

Now, i feel even better, i thought id fucked up my A levels, i thought id ruined my education.
I sent a few emails, and tried to sort things out, and it all has!
Ive been given a second chance to retake psychology from AS, ive been accepted for art AS and i can continue my philosophy as i passed it!!!!
Im SO happy, i dont know where its come from.

Its amazing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. :')
Peace out motherbitchessssss
x