Thinking

So i guess you never really know how much you miss someone until you have that time apart?..

In a way its going to be nice to have the week break, im looking forward to kicking back, not having to worry about meeting up with her, and just being able to spend some quality time with mates, and ultimately to think about just myself.

However, that doesnt stop me missing her, having the ability to talk to her when i feel like it, hear her voice, feel her touch. All that gooey shit that i never intend on admitting to in a relationship. If im really quite honest, id like to be one of those guys that can play girls, have random shags and play the field, but facing it, im not a complete cunt.

I know sometimes my judgement is wayward, and im out of order sometimes, i say the wrong thing, at the wrong time, to the wrong person.. Ok, a lot of the time. But thats just me, im nice when i mean it, but otherwise its just a bit of banter, and i like to test peoples water, i enjoy seeing how they work and what i can 'get away' with, but i dont mean it in a nasty way.

The problem being, i always end up becoming too attached, thats how people get hurt, thats why ive tried to avoid it in the past, and i shut off before i get in too deep or if the trust is breached, with someone like me that barrier is hard to rebuild.

Once i lose sight of whats right in a relationship, it goes on an awful road, and i just close down, i dont like admitting to feelings, and i dont like knowing whats coming in the ultimation.

I always seem to end up in the 'friend zone' with people i like, i guess im lucky it didnt happen this time. But the two people before it happened that way, and i was reluctant to put myself out there. I guess it was lucky in a way, otherwise i wouldnt be where i am now.

Ive started to become deterministic in my thinking, everything leads to the next event, but i guess im a compatibilist in the sense that i think our own decisions lead us in the direction we choose.

I still consider myself quite good friends with the both of them, one ive lost closeness with but one im relatively close to, and its good. I dont like losing good friends, and im glad i havent done that.

I think over the next week you may get a few of these 'deep', 'meaningful' blogs, because in reality im going to have a lot of time to think about things, and where i want them to go.

I just hope i dont 'over'think.

Fun times..

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