I really do hate it.

When my life turns around, i finally let myself like someone and i get kicked in the crotch. It happens every time im stupid enough to let it.
Over the past few days ive been proper happy, and ive got to the 'kissing' stage with someone i like, which is nice because im finally getting comfortable with them. Then she invites me to this party tomorrow night, and asks me to come and stuff, im all up for it, but its somewhere i dont know, and i dont know ANYONE else going, so i said id have to think about it. After a while of asking me to come she eventually says 'tbh, im just worried that ill get too drunk and pull someone when id much rather pull you'.
I know she meant it in the nicest way possible, but its playing on my mind. I need to talk about it, but i dont want to unload myself on someone else, when they really wouldnt want to hear it and id look like a COMPLETE fool. Therefore, i fell back on my blog to get it out. So here are my thoughts:
Basically, if she actually does like me, why not control it? Why bother getting drunk enough that you cant control who you get with? If she actually got with someone that night, and i found out, i can guarantee il end up going straight off her. I cant explain why, but il attempt it. Things have finally got to the point where its going good, i KNOW she likes me cos one of my friends was meant to hint it at me, did an awful job but i knew from other hints i gained off facebook and stuff when i saw it. When i realised this i was proper happy, and i went to town with her, and we kissed before we left. Its going well, and weve been getting on great, so basically, after hearing that, well as she meant it to be, i took it badly (obviously i didnt let on to her), but i cant stand it when someone has no control. Id lose all respect for her and her affection, because it would feel worthless to me =/
I overreact so badly, i hate myself for it. But the way that translated in my mind was 'im going to get really drunk, and if youre not at the party il probably sleep with someone else cos theyl be there and you wont'.
I dont like the thought of that, i dont like opening up, i dont like telling someone i like them, im always so hesitant to do so because i get fucking trampled on in the most antagonistic way. I dont like putting myself out because i hated the way it ended last time i made an effort to get my feelings to someone. I hate being shut down.
I really need someone to talk to about it, i need to hear a sane persons view on the matter, but the reality being that im so hypocritical, i say this and i wouldnt even want to talk about it. Ok, i lie, i would, but id be hesitant. I miss the conversations i used to have with my close girl friends, sat just chatting, have deep conversation and telling them exactly what was on my mind. The problem being, were older now, our friendships have changed, i dont even see them as much as i used to. I never have the chance to have proper conversations with them anymore, and i dont know, i guess i didnt realise before hand, but now i have its just one more kick in the crotch to me.
Im going to go to bed early tonight, because i know il need that extra hour or two to fall asleep, because im going to be pondering this. I hope she doesnt, but at the same time i dont really want to go somewhere and know noone, id feel so out of place. So thats going to be my downfall. I know if im not there, il think about her 'pulling' someone else, even though im not committed to her or anything, it still feels like im having my face rubbed in the dirt.
When i finally let myself like someone, all i can expect after a few days of accepting it, is that im going to be thrown off in the harshest possible way..
Fuck life man. Fuck college, fuck my health, fuck my new years resolution, and most of all fuck women. I want to get high off my tits.
Catch ya.
x