Wednesday

This Ones A Big'un

Ok, so after making my first yesterday, here is number two, i had a lot to put..
I guess i kind of considered my life and where im going etc, and i found some answers.
So it began last night, i was basically sat about, bored, after skipping psychology class AGAIN. I guess i have no real reason to not go, i just hate my lecturer.. She makes the lesson shit. I guess that was kind of where my revelation started..
I decided to poke through universities, get ahead of myself and consider my options, the usual deal, and realised i was in the shit. Without psychology, and AAB or at least 220 ucas points i cant get in to a good uni, and this is my education, i want to go places..
Basically, i had a panic about this, and went to bed, unsuccessfully to say the least. I lay there for ages worrying, to the extent that my heart started racing and i got a high like when taking back a huge gulp of helium from a balloon.. It was weird, and i couldve sworn it was a mild panick attack. ANYWAY, this is when my whole little 'revelation', so to speak, began.
I realised i need to get my act together, and knuckle down if i really want to get the grades, i also need to grit my teeth and go to lessons.. I also realised, the reason im getting so worked up over stuff like this is because i no longer have that calming influence in my life. I dont have that person who makes me happy, and talks to me when i need it, that i can spend quality time with and enjoy life properly. I also realise, the reason i cant find someone new is because im too afraid to put myself out there. When i decide im attracted to someone, i fail to make the decision to ask them out, and take a chance. I wait for them and hope theyl say something to me. Im a dick i know, because it never happens, noone ever decides to do that. So if some deluded person out there did like me, id never know, even if i liked them back. Whilst im doing this, im getting nowhere in life, or with women, because i dont have the balls to ask them on a date. WHY?! Am i too scared? Am i really that much of a pansie that i cant ask someone to meet up and get to knwo them? Its ridiculous.
So this main point among others kept me awake for hours on end, and eventually i fell asleep. Weird huh.
Today was stupid, in sport, theres only one thing that could possibly be MORE shit than playing badminton, and that is watching people play it while you score. Hmm..
So i went home pretty tired and now have an overwhelming disappointment in myself, which i guess ive had for a while, but its developed. Im failing academically, and now in social areas. Not to be big headed, but ive never had trouble speaking to new girls before, so why have i suddenly grown this disbelief that i can?
Its funny how your day can really turn around though.
After getting home i got a call, asking if i wanted to go and watch some films etc with a mate, which was one of those points where a small gesture makes a great deal of happiness. As i was walking up the hill by my house, it decided to hoy it down with rain, and at the same time 'havent met you yet' by michael buble came on my ipod. It was a fucking beaut of a moment, because the feel good song made me in to one of those gay people smiling in the rain. I was walking along, soaking wet, singing along and bouncing my step with a giant grin on my face.
Tomorrow im skipping my psychology mock to go to town, i think its much needed, and i can get some christmas shopping done. (Y)
So basically, to sum up this past day, ive had a hell of a lot of crazy thoughts, and am not entirely happy with who im becoming. BUT, the amazing trend of a good song saved me from a mental breakdown.
Im sorry if i depressed you!
Here, have a listen (:
x

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