Ok..

..So if im honest, i may be slightly pissed right now, but this is the second night ive been served in a pub..
Tomorrow and sunday were on the lash too, so ive got a fucking good weekend set ahead.
So far this weekend has honestly been the best ive had in a long time.
Im home alone, semi-pissed, tired, and off to london tomorrow morning.
But im just not feeling bed, so i decided to come on t'internet, and have a chat with a few people.
I REALLY cannot type at the moment (ive made so many mistakes in this short paragraph, but im keeping constant and making them right..)
Its been a really good night. Ive enjoyed it. (:
I think my backspace bar on my laptop is worn out from its hard work now, so il leave it there.
I cant wait to see my baby monday :D
Peacee
x

Hahahahahahahahahahaha, made me laugh a lot.

Ive been in a good mood, polished off a good day (:

x

Morbidity

Have you ever been so purely angry that you had some morbid, violent thoughts?

Its weird. I had thoughts of beating someone up, and shooting them in the neck :/

Its fucked up man.

Thinking

So i guess you never really know how much you miss someone until you have that time apart?..

In a way its going to be nice to have the week break, im looking forward to kicking back, not having to worry about meeting up with her, and just being able to spend some quality time with mates, and ultimately to think about just myself.

However, that doesnt stop me missing her, having the ability to talk to her when i feel like it, hear her voice, feel her touch. All that gooey shit that i never intend on admitting to in a relationship. If im really quite honest, id like to be one of those guys that can play girls, have random shags and play the field, but facing it, im not a complete cunt.

I know sometimes my judgement is wayward, and im out of order sometimes, i say the wrong thing, at the wrong time, to the wrong person.. Ok, a lot of the time. But thats just me, im nice when i mean it, but otherwise its just a bit of banter, and i like to test peoples water, i enjoy seeing how they work and what i can 'get away' with, but i dont mean it in a nasty way.

The problem being, i always end up becoming too attached, thats how people get hurt, thats why ive tried to avoid it in the past, and i shut off before i get in too deep or if the trust is breached, with someone like me that barrier is hard to rebuild.

Once i lose sight of whats right in a relationship, it goes on an awful road, and i just close down, i dont like admitting to feelings, and i dont like knowing whats coming in the ultimation.

I always seem to end up in the 'friend zone' with people i like, i guess im lucky it didnt happen this time. But the two people before it happened that way, and i was reluctant to put myself out there. I guess it was lucky in a way, otherwise i wouldnt be where i am now.

Ive started to become deterministic in my thinking, everything leads to the next event, but i guess im a compatibilist in the sense that i think our own decisions lead us in the direction we choose.

I still consider myself quite good friends with the both of them, one ive lost closeness with but one im relatively close to, and its good. I dont like losing good friends, and im glad i havent done that.

I think over the next week you may get a few of these 'deep', 'meaningful' blogs, because in reality im going to have a lot of time to think about things, and where i want them to go.

I just hope i dont 'over'think.

Fun times..

x

Women.

Basically.

Why tell me one thing, change your mind, change it again, and again, and again, then expect me to be all chatty once the conversation goes dead and were not talking anymore..?

FUUUUCK SAKE.

It really irritates me, and i get frustrated, then i get annoyed, and i hate sitting staring at a screen when im in a bad mood.

It just festers more. Fucking agh.

What the hell man?

Then after all that apologise for it all and take the blame? :/

WHY?!

Why make all of that worth nothing? It makes it worse IF EVEN possible!!

Agh.

I hate the way a mood can swing like a leaf in the wind.

:|

x

Its Been A Time And A Half

Ok, so its been a fucking year since i did my blog, or at least it feels like one.
Ive been meaning to write on here, but i guess i havent really found the time.
Skiing was amazing, i had possibly one of the best times of my life, just being out in a different place with friends, enjoying life to the full and absorbing some amazing weather.
I guess over the past few weeks ive had a pretty variant bunch of thoughts. The weekend just gone was fucking awful, i had one of those massive depressive states come out of nowhere, where everything i didnt want to see upset me, everything i didnt want to happen happened, and my mind was all over the place.
Problem being, when i get in that state i try to avoid people, i find i only ruin their days too. :/
After being dragged out, and having a really awkward night, i got home, slept and thought i was feeling fine the next day. Funny that, because it came back and bit me in the ass.
I had work, and at the end of my shift was bored for ten minutes, so went on facebook. Then i saw something i didnt want to, which provoked loads of other thoughts i try to leave unturned, and i felt completely shit all over again. It was awful.
Anyhoo, it all got sorted out eventually, and in the evening i ended up having a proper nice chat with someone i havent spoken to in a while. It was good, and topped the day off on a good'un for me (:
Today was much better, i got the summery clothes out, absorbed the sun and packed a massive sesh in the gym at the end of the day. Im feeling pretty good this evening. I had a massive dinner too :D

I apologise for the dryness of this blog, there hasnt really been much of interest in it.. I guess i just pretty much accounted my life since my last post :/
I shall try and write something of significance when it takes me, considering i started this off with the intention of updating it loads. (:
Well anyway, thanks for reading, should anyone actually be, and not have fallen asleep by this point :P
x

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

WE LEAVE FOR SKIING IN LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF.
IM SO FUCKING EXCITED, BUT BLOODY EXHAUSTED.
Also, i REALLY need to pee, but cant be arsed to get up..
AN HOUR AND A HALF MOTHER FUCKERRRRSSS
That is all.
Have a great easter
x

Free Chlamydia Boxers ♥

Oh i love them, if you took a clap test at college you got free tshirts, boxers or a sperm key ring.

I actually love the boxers i got, and i know i dont have clap so its a win win :')

Saying that, if by some really strange and confusing circumstance, i do have it, i will be fucking annoyed.

Theyre white with a pink wasteband, i couldnt find a picture..

They also gave me two free condoms and a little thing of lube..

I always have two condoms in my wallet anyway, so it was pretty fat today :L

The joys.

I also had the shortest work shift in the world, got there, was told it was cancelled, clocked back out and went home.

Thats a lie, we went to tesco first and i got easter eggs. Yum.

Im feeling better today, im more awake and feel fresh.

Powww.

Im offski.

x

Fuck It Man

My day has been so boring, i barely slept at all last night, which made it worse.

I had to get the early bus in because i had pe lectures all day. They were boring.

So im officially knackered. Only got a shitty gym sesh in so i dont feel accomplished, had a shit evening because ive been lethargic. The DVLA are still fucking my license about, and i still cant drive.

Im just so tired today, i cant be arsed talking and i really need to.

I dont know what it is, but i just feel proper tired and depressed :/

It sucks balls man. I need to get out and about, i need to sleep, i need to relax.

Agh.

x

Ive Discovered Something..

I found i do some of my best work when im completely mellowed out. I cant be in a good mood, i cant be in a bad mood, i need to be well and truly blank of emotion. I was in a weird mood last night, and i did this picture:

Do feel free to comment making any points about it, anything you like or dont. Or even maybe if you have suggestions for something youd like me to draw. I guess im just curious as to who ACTUALLY reads this. However, do bear in mind its not finished yet, and once i have completed it il post another picture.

(:

Today was good, college was boring, classics was cancelled, we couldnt get in the gym, my bus took ages to get home and i was fucking tired. I know what youre thinking, that sounds shit.. BUT, i went to the sauna after college, and it was LUSH. The mood it leaves you in after is amazing, de-stressed and without a worry in the world. Aswell as chatting to my mate about everything, and getting it all off our chests. So its been pretty epic if im honest. Also, ONE WEEK 4 DAYS. ONE WEEK 3 DAYS TOMORROW.

Im sure you know what i mean :|

Bedtime.

Love love

x

Well Have You Got A Story To Tell?

LOVE that song at the moment, story to tell, by get cape. wear cape. fly

Its lush.

Pretty alright day today, not bad, only one lesson, which was annoying though.

OH SWEET JESUS ITS THE SKI TRIP IN A WEEK AND 4 DAYS.

Im soooooo excited, and i need to vent on here because im proving a point that i can stay off facebook for an entire week. I therefore cannot vent my excitement to anyone else.. :/

My mum has just gone for a drive, shes upset about something to do with my dad. As much as i dont like to see her cry, i try and avoid her when she does. Its awkward when someone cries, but if theyre my friend il support them. Problem is i cant stand drama queens, and shes such a fucking cry baby. SHE is the one who filed for divorce, so whats the point in crying over something youve brought upon yourself? Ive learnt over the past few years if you make a mistake the worst thing to do is dwell on it.

You fuck yourself over again and again, and it doesnt help.

Sort it out love.

Anyhoo, so basically i have no form of contact via my laptop, and im not a phone-call-asking-for guy, i enjoy them occasionally but im not one to admit to bonds and gaining joy out of such things. So im happily sat in my dead quiet house on my own for now, listening to moosic. I think i might do some drawing if im honest.

Green ipod earphones came through today, sexxyyyy.

Anyhoo, im away my lovers

(:

x

Its Been A Whileiooh..

This blog has been a pretty desolate place lately. I did intend to get a rolling hay bail picture like the old western films, but i couldnt find one.. So i settled with this. (:

I guess i havent really made time for this, but i do enjoy getting my thoughts down every now and then before the fade out and become nothing more than the desolation of this picture, an empty and unknown state..

Skiing is in about two weeks, and i am FUCKING excited. Like, unbelievably. Ive spent some of the past week downloading a hell of a lot of music, i went from 400 on my old ipod to over 1000 on my brothers that im borrowing, all in two days. Its quality.

When 'getting down' to things, i think weve been sussed a few too many times for my liking lately, it doesnt bother me too much, but when seems feel awkward with the parents after im always really conscious, today was blatant as you like, and it made it a tense kind of atmosphere in the car. But to be honest, it was worth it.

I met the strangest man on the train this morning, basically, the only way to describe him is a druggy. But, possibly one of the soundest men ive ever met as a stranger..

It all happened when i sat down, and he sat on the tabled section where i was too. This guy is currently suffering from insomnia, he has tried every drug you can think of, shrooms, heroin, crystal meth, crack, pot, ecstasy. You name it, hes done it.. He got left by his wife when she was pregnant, which sent him off the loop, and he was in and out of a mental institute for 6 years. Got addicted to prescription drugs by the doctors to get him off meth, then crack, and now hes finally clean other than a bit of pot now and then, or a couple of pills. He was a huge danny dyer fan, and in the nicest way possible wasnt all there.

But he was a complete legend, we had a massive conversation, and its fulfilled me, ive got another bit of drive to do what i want in life, i know where i want to be, and meeting someone like that has helped them a bit. It sounds stupid but this guy made a mark on my mind.

He also said about the long term affects of drugs. All in all it was a really interesting conversation, and i enjoyed it. I can honestly say i enjoyed it.

Oh, and he gave me an umbrella..? :/

Hahaha, what a dude (:

Im also really happy at the moment, ive got all i need in life, and i love it.

Peace out bravaaa (:

x

Boredom.

Its like a drug, a narcotic, inducing, drug like effect. It ruins your thoughts, it contaminates your judgement, it sways your actions. It makes you grumpy.

Im tired, im bored, and i cant help but get annoyed over nothing. Well i say annoyed, im not annoyed as such, but i just get to the point where i cant be fucked with trying anymore.

Its a disease that slowly melts away your brain, if you let it manifest it becomes the object of all reverse desirability, it makes you over-think things, it makes you slowly drive yourself down. If youre bored and upset, tired or depressed, you need someone to guide you away from it, you need something to do, you need the art of good conversation. Im bored, and tired. I have none of these.

The art of conversation is lost in the un-meaningful delusion of 'chat'. Chat is not talk, chat is the willy nilly of a shit conversation. Neither of you are entertained, the subject is of no interest. 'Hey, how are you? What you up to? Yawnyawnyawn.'

I hate having someone you can have amazing conversations with, and then after progressing losing that comfortability, and feeling you 'should' (another important word) talk about something better. That is one aspect that worries me when i find someone i like, i dont want to lose their friendly persona in the midst of knowing you have something to lose. I saw a sentence earlier: things are more fun when you know you have nothing to lose (i dont believe it when exactly like that, but i cant remember where i saw it), but its relevant.

As soon as you realise youre in deep, you notice what there is to forfeit in the midst of your actions, its not in your control anymore.

Again, should. You 'should' do something, when do we ever do what we should? Some of us never, some of us too much. Few people are in the middle, with the correct balance of a healthy ego. Theres too much to consider, and we no longer have a hand in our choices when we do what we 'should', and feel obliged to do so.

Sorry to waffle.

x

Interesting Few Days..

Plant Your Hope With Good Seeds, Dont Cover Yourself With Thistle And Weeds..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_YJhmGKTxk

I guess i started thinking about it properly in philosophy the other day, as we had a really intriguing discussion on determinism. And someone mentioned something about this book called 'the secret'. Basically, from what i gather this book tells you to map out your life, and think of your dream house etc, and if you follow this plan then one day it will all happen as youve mapped it. This all sparked off the subject of healing and miracles. The thing is, if you believe something enough, for example christians and god, then you are willing to follow anything it has to offer. If youre willing to believe someone is healing you, then psychologically you may end up feeling healed. I argued that this book doesnt really work. My view on it, is basically, if you have enough motivation to do something, you will do. If you have the pure desire to get this dream house, you will work hard to get it. If you have the pure desire to go somewhere in life you will. This book isnt some mystical force, its not some god-given talented man who wrote it.. Sure, hes clever, but still, the same applies when you dont attempt to get places, you crash and burn. So many people lack direction in life, and this is how they end up in places they dislike.
This is why that song line comes in to mind, i was on the bus home, and was listening to a bit of good old mumford & sons, when the song thistle and weeds came on. That line really stood out to me, and i feel i need to consider what i really want before i go out and reach for it. This way i can avoid being stranded in a psychological battle of what i want and need, and i can live life to the full.
I believe if i can manage to decide what this is, and where i want to be in the next few years, and so on, i can manage it, and really go places, because il have something to work for. (:

Today is wednesday, its been one day since that revelation, and im bloody ill. Haha, i hate it, its just making me tired, and lethargic. I hope im better soon, but i doubt il be going to college tomorrow. So if i over think its guaranteed il be on here.

Another thing i decided today, i really HATE being shunned for a mobile phone. I guess it annoys me, because you spend time with someone to do that, and even though i may be a bit ill, and not very talkative (i tend to say something if it has importance, because theres so many random bits of information in my mind noone cares about..), but if the person youre spending your time with is texting other people, it really starts to piss me off. I tried not to let it show, and i guess it was lucky i was ill as i had a reason. But if you want to be somewhere else, with other people, or you want to talk to them instead of me, fucking go. Dont humour me :/
Im not angry, just frustrated. I dont like being shunned, or feeling unimportant.. It belittles me, and i just find it really rude.

I also miss the conversation of some of the newer friends i made over the new year cross over, they were nice, well, still are.. But hm, made me happy i guess? Ah well (:
x

LOSTPROPHETS.

Ok, so for starters, last night was FUCKING AMAZING. The gig was sexy itself, they played an amazing set, and mid-way through the set i got to talk to Ian Watkins directly because my brothers mate lifted me up. I was so happy. Then i moshed it up a bit to shinobi, got so sweaty my top got stuck to me, and i took it off, my hair was curly and dripping with sweat, and at the end i got lifted up for the encore, and everyone around started crowd surfing me, it was SO cool. I got surfed to the front and kicked out, but it was well worth it. Some guy had hold of my top, and was having a tug of war with the security guard :L Despite ringing ears and severe dehydration, that was the most EPIC gig ive been to. Good times. Ahh im so happy.



Ive been having some weird dreams lately, but they seem to all involve death. Like, i had one where kanye west was my dad (i know, weird eh), and he died, and i was sat outside a house on my own..? And in the same night as that one i had a dream that someone tried to mug me, and was going to beat me up etc, so i legged it from him and the group of mates he was with home. Then i got asked what was with the lump on my face by my mum and girlfriend (who had been at my friends house sleeping with him :S), and i told them i nearly got mugged, and beaten the shit out of, and they both started laughing at me hysterically :/
Then i went upstairs and sat in my room, and a ghost came through the wall?! He asked why i was on the floor of my room, i started to say and he started talking about fifa and blanked me...

Weird stuff eh? I remember the mugging one vividly because i woke up half way through with a panic attack, it was that realistic.. Haha, my heart was going crazy :S

I had another last night, which i cant remember as vividly, but it was something strange, i cant explain it. But at one point i was kicking a rugby ball, and someone went to grab it so i kicked it, chased and dived on it before a 3rd person could. Then a girl spoke to me and said something about her brother, i kicked the ball accidentally, and it clearly has some significance cos i was like oh shit! Tried t catch it but couldnt, ran after it, tried again and couldnt, caught it on the third time, and it was a strawberry lolly, which fell to the floor, right at the feet of a lone red rose.. The rose was something to do with the girl's brother's death somehow, and it was really sad..

I dont understand why im getting these dreams, its worrying, and kind of strange..
But ANYWAY, last night was so fucking good.

I hope you all have an amazing weekend.
x

Dude.

30 mark essay, due first thing tomorrow.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Where am i? Nowhere, ive done shit all. I had the whole of half term and ive forgotten it ALL. Shit man.
This is driving me fucking nutters.
Also, where da blog at nowadays man?
Noone seems to be bothering with them.. If any of you read this prick up.
Follow me, write your own, and sort it out.
I like seeing what you all have to say.
(:
x

Melodramatic

Jealousy. When you think youve avoided it it bites you in the ass. Everything was fine, but now its not. I HATE this feeling, and ive just got so much shit spinning around my mind. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I cant stand it. And i cant talk about it. SHIT.

>:(

I hate people who interfere in my relationships, especially people who i most definitely DO NOT want knowing stuff about me, or getting involved.
Its funny how a mood can change just like that, over the stupidest, smallest thing.
But it pisses me off. Fuck sake.
Im in a shit now.

Tiredness Is Like An Infection

The less you accept it and do nothing about it, the more it builds up.
Im absolutely cream and crackered, because ive stayed up late instead of sleeping. The longer you leave it the worse it gets, and i am exhausted, lethargic, un-relentless and dosey. Yaaaawwwwwwwwn.
Early night tonight me thinks :)
x

Valentines Day = Valentines Is GAY

I find it so overrated, im not in to the whole lovey shit, especially not after the past year. Its really not my thing any more. The extent we went to this year was a card. I was happy with that, and spending the day with her. But for something im so against it actually turned out really nicely. We just spent the entire day talking, listening to music and whatnot. It was pretty epic.
I forgot how amazing the female body is, this sounds weird, but its not even the sexuality of it, im talking about the dip in the back, the curve above the hip, the smoothness of the shoulders. That sounds so perverted, but what im trying to say, is to have a good time with a girl you dont need to be having sex. The feeling of pure comfort, where you dont need to say anything, you dont need to do anything, you can just look in to each others eyes. Its strange, and kind of overwhelming.
It scares me.
I guess sometimes i take for granted things like that, but i feel i can distinguish the difference between the two. Unlike some.
I dont think commitment is the problem, i have no problem with it, im not one of the guys that pressures a girl in to stuff, i dont use them, i dont know what it is, but im just scared of getting attached? I dont want to be cut down again.
Enough of the soppy shit. But i needed to say that, and theres not enough appropriate people to say it to.
I think the change over from 2009 to 2010 has been amazing. Ive met some brilliant new people, and im so glad i have. Each and every one of them has made my life that bit better, and i want to thank them. The problem is i dont know how? I cant go up and say 'thanks for making my life better' can i now?.. Ah, id look like SUCH a tool. I just hope i can make them feel better, or help them out when they need me? Its on my to do list this year. Aswell as kill the DVLA..
Saturday was football day, and im not a football guy, but this was saints pompey, so i really got in to it. Pompey won 4-1 :(
Letdown.
That day i was drinking from 12 til about half 10 at night, and sat smoking my life away, and chilling to some tunes for the mostpart. I had a great day, and then woke up the next morning with a rager of a headache.
Ive had a good weekend. Its half term now, and i intend to make the most of the break from college.
(:
x